Some days I feel like I have the weight of the world sitting on my chest. On those days my anxiety and need/impulse to fix things gets the best of me. I’m unable to focus an it feels hard to breathe. I feel the undeniable urge to cry, and I have to convince myself not to be a big baby as I blink back the tears. I have been off of anti-anxiety meds for years, and I don’t want to get back on them, but on those days, I highly consider it. Sure, I might be a little numb and I’ll feel off, but at least I won’t feel like the problems of everyone around me are crushing me.
One problem with anxiety is that no one makes you feel it; you just feel it. I can say, “I feel anxiety because I want to fix everyone’s problems and know that I can’t,” but that doesn’t mean that everyone is asking me to fix their problems. My anxiety comes from wanting to do something and knowing that I’m unable to do anything. It comes from a lack of control. I’m fully aware of this, and I try to tell myself that I can only control myself. I can’t control anyone else’s actions, reactions, bad or good deeds, etc. But trying to rationalize with my anxious brain is a lose-lose game. The more I try to be rational on those days, the more I’m unable to focus on anything and the more I want to cry. I usually just want to curl up into a ball on my bed and not get up for a while.
I feel the joy of life drained from me on those days, and I hate it. I don’t laugh at funny things my husband does or says, and I think he’s the funniest person in the world. I can only put on a fake smile because I don’t have the energy to put on a real, enthusiastic one. I don’t feel like seeing or talking to anyone, really, and I don’t even have the energy to read a book, which is one of my favorite pastimes. Anxiety just sucks any happiness out of me, and even if it’s just for a day or two, I feel like I’ve wasted a day or two of my life, and that is a horrible feeling.
I’m not sure where this post is going, other than I simply needed to get this out. Yesterday was a bad anxiety day, for no real reason, and I needed to throw anxiety under the bus.