wake up.

I’m terrified of death. Pretty much everyone who knows me, knows that. I love living. I love experiencing new things, tasting new foods, learning new skills, etc. So you would think that because I love life so much, I would try to get the most out of every day and not let the little things get me down. However, my brain sometimes doesn’t let me enjoy life the way I would like to. Depression works in stupid ways like that.

Last month I was struggling. Depression had its tight grip on me and I was being negative about everything. I could fully comprehend that I shouldn’t be negative but there was a battle in my head between rational and irrational me. I was starting to feel a little bit insane because I knew that the things I was feeling and thinking were irrational but I couldn’t get myself to stop feeling and thinking them. I would cry at the end of the day thinking about how mean or overly negative I had been with my husband. He’s my biggest supporter and he understands what I go through when I’m depressed, but that doesn’t mean he deserves to be the brunt of my pain and sadness. It was a very rough couple of weeks where I felt that I couldn’t pull myself out of this deep, dark pit I was in…

Then my husband had a pep talk with me. He reminded me that things are going well for us right now; better than things have ever gone for us in the 5 years we’ve been married. He also reminded me that life is too short to wallow in my own self pity. He asked me, “If you died tomorrow, would you be happy with how you lived your last days?” Something about this pep talk snapped me out of my depression. I’ve never had that happen before. Depression has always lingered around for weeks and then slowly dissipated; I’ve never been able to just shake it off. It was like I had been abruptly awoken from a deep sleep, and I felt refreshed.

Depression will always be a problem for me. There will always be a chance that it will rear its ugly head and take over my mind. But I don’t want to ever waste days or weeks of my life on it again. I can’t tell depression to go away but I can try to fight back. I’m going to try as hard as I can to stay awake and not allow myself to go into that deep, negative sleep again.